soul gazing

It’s just as hard as you’d expect, soul gazing in a university prospectus. 

It’s one of those strange evenings, suspended somewhere between summer and autumn, and I’m speed reading before the fear breaks in. I flick constantly between two pages, two courses, two lives. Biomedical sciences or English literature? I do not know.

I’m scanning frantically, trying to get through it, force a decision almost, before it gets dark and I can’t bear the thought of being away from home, and all that is familiar, anymore. 

I know it’s stupid, honestly. I know I don’t have to properly decide for a few more months at least, but I feel I should know. 

Any second, I’m expecting it to come to me, just like it has for some of my friends. One told me today all about their work experience, and how they hungered for the work ahead. He seemed to have always just known what he would become. But I? I am suspended, somewhere undefinable, and I know more than a university course must be decided.

To close off one path, make a lasting decision, seems impossible. At night like this, I can’t bear the thought of moving forward. The idea of change burns my exposed skin until I can’t bear it anymore. So I don’t. I give up. 

I’m not hopeless though, don’t believe that. I’m full of hope, full to the brim. I just need to know where to direct it. And I don’t just mean a career.

It’s just those moments of doubt that creep in, every once in a while. In those moments I start to believe I cannot write, should not even try. I start to believe I’ll never find my way, I’ll never make anything of myself, I’ll never find my love.

But I always wake up. It just takes time.

That’s what they say, isn’t it? It always just takes time. I’m just not sure how much I have.